Everything Wrong With
Total Drama Equestria
by JusSonic

Episode Five: Bridgette the Brush Off

Spoilers!
(duh!)


So Gilda is going to show up in this episode, right? *Ding!*

Discord: Hello, this is Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, filling in for Chris who got a 'toad' in his throat right now; Heh heh.

You're having fun with this, aren't you Discord? *Ding!*

Then he challenge the team captains to play the Hungarian Rhapsody Number Two...with hilarious twists and chaos; Oooh, how I love it.

I still think this is a reference to something. Can't pull my finger on what, though. *Ding!*

Discord: Anyway, Staci ends up spreading rumors about Twilight and Celestia being, as you may say... 'other mates'?

Celestia: (sternly) don't even think it, Discord.

Hey, if Lyra and Sweetie Drops can have a thing for each other, so can Twilight and Celestia. Despite how awkward it is. *Ding!*

And thus, only 34 team players are left and things are about to get more chaotic. Oh yes, I hope you got your PJs and sodas ready.

*shuffles around notes* Have I got the right episode? I'm sure the sleepover episode is only later in the season. *Ding!*

We see an intro like in every seasons of Total Drama as well as 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic'.

Theme. *Ding!*

The mares go over to the door and knocks on it. Rarity, surprisingly not crying, opens it, asking, "Yes?"

So whenever anypony starts freaking out they immedately assume it's Rarity. Bridgette better be laying on Rarity's drama couch. *Ding!*

Upstairs, the gang got around. Lightning demands, "Okay, Lightning demands to know why am I not running around, showing off right now?!"

Jesus, you have a personality complex. It can't be all about you all the time. *Ding!*

Heather: Obviously it isn't one of us, especially me. I am no motivational speaker. So I decided on the right mare to get Bridgette to shut the buck up!

Language, people, language! Fluttershy did it once and everyone freaked the f*yay*ck out! *Ding!*

Heather goes downstairs and gets Twilight's attention, saying, "Hey Princess. We need your help with Bridgette. Get her out of her funk."

And because Twilight is a princess they think she is the best choice. Stereotypes. *Ding!*

As the Mane 6 went upstairs, Heather paused as she looked around. She took her chance as she ran out of the Carousel Boutique, with one destination in mind...

Suspiiiiiiicious! *Ding!*

Everyone blinked as they stared at Pinkie, Courtney asking, "What is with that Russian accent?"

"It's Speak like a Russian day, yes." Izzy smiled.

"There is no such holiday!" Courtney pointed out.

"We made it up, yes." Izzy smiled.

Talk Like a Pirate Day is a thing, so that is not too far fetched. *Ding!*

(Pinkie and Izzy are now sharing the same confessional)

Pinkie: Pinkie is VERY interested in what this episode can do this time, yes.

Izzy: It's going to be quite a doozy, yes.

*Ding!*

"It all began about seven years ago... or seven months, I don't know, the timeline is very inconsistent."

Like I said, the timeline in MLP is just as inconsistent as yours. *Ding!*

"How long, exactly?" Rainbow Dash said in confusion. "I can hold out for longer than that!"

Everyone looked at Rainbow Dash, wide eyed as Bridgette groaned. "I meant in the make-out places, you complete half-wit!"

Rainbow Dash has no idea how sex works. *Ding!*

'Dat... and we saw Geoff's... lower area, so 'dat's why we were embarrassed.

You saw his dick, you just can't say it on live TV. Luckily for me, I'm not on TV. *Ding!*

Cody, Ezekiel, Mike and Trent, hearing this, blinked as they looked down to their lower areas. The others, hearing this, instantly started blushing.

Looks like they finally found out their dongs are on wide display. *Ding!*

Sierra: I know Fluttershy has a dishwasher... but then you'd have to put them ALL away...

Dishwashers exist in Equestria because it's convenient for the plot. *Ding!*

Twilight sighed as she shook her head, "Of course. Sorry, what was I thinking?"

You were thinking about dishes. *Ding!*

In another room, we see Celestia sitting down in a chair somewhere, as she looked down at a locket, crying a little as she looked at a picture of a young Celestia and a smiling Megan, cuddling. Nearby in the background, there was a smiling adult pony, a black and blue pony, with a horseshoe for a cutie mark, and both green eyes, shining in delight as a young Luna and the young Spykoran was huddled with that pony.

Celestia sighed a little. "Those were the good days... those were the good days..."

Princess Celestia has PTSD. *Ding!*

Celestia paused as she started to remember something ALL the way back from her childhood...


*Ding!*

It was a typical day here in Ponyland, back about thousands of years ago.

When did we suddenly switch to G1? *Ding!*

"And anyway, this fat mare once came into my horseshoe store one day, and said, "I want something in my size", and I said, "Try Pon-oming!". Now, I don't know WHEN they started letting ponies carry chainsaws..."

I'm... kinda worried about what the rest of the joke was... *Ding!*

Megan smiled, "Of course. Every horse in our world is treated with respect, even our oldest horses."

I'm not sure about that, Megan. Why, just the other day, a horse got into a car accident. I'm not making this up, it really happened. *Ding!*

Tuerto smiled. "Glad to hear that. I sure would love to visit your world. It seems like a dandy place..."

That's easy. All you got to do is jump into a portal and gain a human body. Hope you like walking on two legs. *Ding!*

"At least you have me to keep you sane!" Heather imitated in her cat voice as she moved Regina.

You are talking to a stuffed cat. That's anything but sane. *Ding!*

"You know it." Heather smiled... when all of a sudden she heard the door to the basement cracking open. Heather yelped as she saw a couple people coming in.

Ooooh, busted! *Ding!*

Leshawna frowned in suspicion as Heather was trying to sneak towards her bag. "Okay, what do you have behind your bac-"

"WHAT STUFFED CAT?" Heather yelped.

*Ding!*

"That's so funny, I thought I could use some entertainment, and you know how I always walk forward? Well, this time, I'm walking backwards!"

Heather sucks at moonwalking. *Ding!*

Chris croaked in anger as his throat swelled. Celestia frowned, "Such language."

How do they get this past live TV? Like I said, Fluttershy did it once—and it was a mild one too—and everyone freaked out! (And yes, I know that was fake.) *Ding!*

Lightning: Ha! Lightning aced that course in no time! No mare can compare to me!

Discount Pizza Steve. *Ding!*

Oops is right, the art supplies kept on flying out...and SPLASH! It lands on two familiar bullies and their bodyguard. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon both fumes unhappily as Maxin growls, preparing to crack his hooves.

*Ding!*

Phobos then gave a smile, "Sweet! This toy must be some action figure!"

They're not action figures, they're dolls! *Ding!*

Heather: (shuffling her hands nervously) Uh, if you're wondering, no, that stuffed cat is not mine. (Keeps shuffling hands) Really. (Starts shaking nervously) It's not. (Starts sweating nervously)

Chris himself said it was yours. And surprisingly no one else heard him. *Ding!*

"Hey, Phobos, what have you got there?" Ben asked.

"An action figure; you want to play?" Phobos asked as he handed the stuffed cat over to Ben.

I wonder how Phobos got to the conclusion that it was an action figure. I mean, an action figure looks very different from a stuffed cat. *Ding!*

"Wait, what?" Heather said as Izzy and Leshawna walked in. "Where did you two come from?"

"We've been here the whole time!" Izzy said.

"We were here all along" cliché. *Ding!*

Izzy: (looking through 'Total Drama Equestria' script) I would NEVER do such a thing! Seriously, I may be loopy, but I'm not THAT loopy!

You know you're a bad writer when a character in your story has to point out how much you suck. *Ding!*

Katie smiled as she said, "Oh, Noah, I'm glad you asked. You know, I COULD have been able to make a prominent appearance in another season... but you know, it would have been lonely without Sadie around, and I would have ended up missing her, like Sadie would miss me."

"Yeah, I can't deny that you two are an inseparable pair." Noah smiled as Katie sat next to him. "I've heard some people even say that you're like sisters."

Are you sure they aren't sisters? 'Cause... it all points to being the case. *Ding!*

Sierra: Of course! Of course! That stupid fat pink bitch has to hog my glory!

Will you people watch your fucking language already?! Seriously! I have a lot of angry parents right around the courner! *Ding!*

"Oh, just a little something for a challenge that I'm planning on doing next episode..." Discord smirked as he gave Celestia the idea. "Tell me what you think."

Celestia read the note... then smiled. "Ooooo... I think I like it!"

*skips pages* I know I shouldn't spoil myself... but I'm already sinning these. *Ding!*

Leshawna quickly put two and two together as she said, "Heather... do you..."

"NO!" Heather frowned as she started to sweat, "Of course not!"

Busted! *Ding!*

Leshawna then started to laugh. "Oh my Celestia, you do! You have a stuffed animal! That is adorable!"

Looks like you got into the local lingo pretty quickly. *Ding!*

"FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS IS NOT MY STUFFED ANIMAL!" Heather yelled. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE IT TO YOU, BLOW ONE UP?"

Exact words, people. *Ding!*

Izzy: (looking through the script) I think most of this material was lifted from an episode of a cartoon series, but I don't know which one... (Pause) Hmmm....

Thank you Izzy, that makes my job so much easier. Aaaaaanyway... we interrupt Total Drama Equestria to bring you Camp Lazlo. *Ding!*

Heather: (smiles as she holds her stuffed cat) There. That should take care of that. I proved to them I don't own this thing (glares at the camera) WHICH I DON'T! (Goes back to smiling) And all I have to do is blow this thing up. (Pause as her face starts to go wide-eyed at the sudden realization) Uh, excuse me for a sec. I have... to go do something!

You said you were going to blow up a stuffed animal. It doesn't have to be yours. Just get Smarty Pants and blow it up. There, problem solved. *Ding!*

Heather smiled. "Yeah, yeah, that's right. Of course they didn't take me seriously. What are they going to do, Triple Dog Dare me into blowing up a stuffed animal?"

Hold that thought.

"Right, time to play a classic old favorite..." Discord remarks as he removes the sleet, revealing a wheel with pictures on it, along with a spinning bottle. "I Triple Dog Dare You!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO," Heather screamed.

Hehehe... *Ding!*

"Hey, ponies!" Pinkie giggles as she bounces to the door, revealing that the groups have entered Pinkie Pie's apartment home. "Hey, you're here for my little slumber party?!"

"Slumber party," Most of the players ask in bewilderment. Indeed, a slumber party is happening and the Mane Six, along with Ben, Spike, Phobos, Nyx and the CMC are here, having fun.

"Right; we decided to have one at Pinkie's place." Twilight said to her friends with a smile.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the slumber party episode. *Ding!* And Pinkie has an apartment? I thought she lived at Sugarcube Courner. ...wait... ain't that where we're at right now? *Ding!*

The ponies begin to mingle, having some fun. Pipsqueak squeaks, "Wow, I've never been to a slumber party before."

"Never in your life," Nyx ask Pipsqueak in amusement.

"Never ever," Pipsqueak remarks, making Nyx giggle a bit.

Pip's never been to a Nightmare Night before Princess Luna came back, so why are you surprised, Nyx? Oh wait, you weren't around back then. *Ding!*

"An' when Ah went 'ta 'de fire place, there was a skeleton inside!" Apple Bloom exclaims creepily, making some of the ponies shiver a bit.

And then a skeleton popped out! *Ding!* Also, Story of the Blanks. *Ding!*

"Oh, you should've seen the looks on your faces! Priceless," Discord chuckled, wiping a tear from his eyes.

Recycled dialogue. *Ding!*

"This is going to be double the fun." Luna said with glee.

"The fun has been doubled" cliché. *Ding!*

Sierra: I decided if I take this dare, Cody-kins will like me more than that fatty fatass Sadie!

Watch your fucking language! *Ding!*

Sierra finishes up and licks her lips. Ben pauses then adds, "Weird, nothing's happening."

"Give her a few seconds."

Sierra then smiles like a drunk, speaking, "Oh wow. Best damn drink ever; Hee hee hee. Wow, talking ponies..."

And now you understand why everypony lines up for Applejack's cider, and why Rainbow Dash can't get enough of the stuff. It's booze. *Ding!*

"Note to self, have Chris murdered in a back alley by this God Demon." Heather said as she wrote down something.

Heather's a dick to Chris. *Ding!*

Pinkie Pie (and Izzy) was acting weird before the other group here.

"Okay, I've seen the pink one do it a couple of times... but Izzy, too?" Heather asked.

Izzy has a Pinkie Sense too? ...actually, that's not too far-fetched, since Cheese Sandwich has one. *Ding!*

"Ugh, Chris, is this your idea of a joke?" Lightning asked.

Chris shook his head 'no'.

"That's not my work either!" Discord stated.

"Not me this time" cliché. *Ding!*

"Um, I'll get to you in a minute, I... think my suit had an oil leak, and need to change it!" Chris gulped as he tried to move out, squishy sounds were heard.

chris.exe has stopped responding. *Ding!* Also, Chris just totally pissed himself from scare. *Ding!*

"Note to ourselves, murder Chris sooner." Gwen whispered to Heather.

Gwen's a dick to Chris. *Ding!*

"TWILIGHT, YOUR HOUSE IS BEING ROBBED, AND CHRIS HERE STOLE YOUR WALLET!" Noah yelled.

Noah's a dick to Chris. *Ding!*

"Excuse me, miss."

Lyra stopped as she turned to see... the same mysterious one-eyed pony that was wandering around, but Lyra didn't know that.

Remember this pony? Yeah, I knew you didn't. *Ding!*

"No! Lorcan, don't kill my brother again!" Twilight screams, waking up with sweat on her face.

Twilight Sparkle has PTSD. *Ding!*

"In your dreams, female dog," Gwen remarked while glaring at her.

Oh, that's a good one. Minus one sin! *!gniD*

Pinkie: (glaring) My Pinkie Sense is tingling.

And suddenly Spiderman. *Ding!*

"And my challenge is...go underground, get a vast amount of gems to fill up a cart and bring the gems back." Sierra said, checking out her challenge. "I gotta watch out for something called 'Diamond Dogs', who would try to steal my gems."

I'm sure this is only later in the season. *Ding!*

Sierra: (smirks evilly) Oooooh, I am definitely doing my challenge. Ha ha ha ha! Cody is going to be impressed, I just know it! That fat ass is going down!

Someone fill that girl's mouth with soap, she's swearing like a sailor. *Ding!*

As Sam took the sandwich, he begins to ask, "So does anypony tell you that you look like Pinkie Pie?"

"Oooh! Some do! Wanna know why? I got a big story to tell ya." Pinkamena said to Sam with a sly grin.

"Sure. I'm here for an hour. So go ahead!"

But JusSonic is not gonna show this now, he would much better prefer it if you were to read his other stuff! *Ding!*

"Sure! I just need to figure out the blender!" Sweetie exclaims as she begins throwing some food (or what looks like food) into a blender.

Don't burn the blender too, Sweetie. *Ding!*

Heather: (groans as she holds the paper, which read 'Blow up a stuffed animal in front of EVERY PONY/DRAGON IN PONYVILLE at the Carousel Boutique') You all hate me, don't you? (Pause) Uh, not that I won't do it; I will! I will! (Shakes nervously)

Like I said, get Smarty Pants and blow it up! Exact words, after all. *Ding!*

"I HAVE TO MAKE ONE SO THAT I CAN BREAK IT RIGHT AWAY, OR THE DARE'S OFF? Are they crazy?"

Loopholes! Pwned! *Ding!*

Pinkie started to show concern as she said, "Come on, these are your favorites before you became... NOT...SO... UNNORMAL! Seriously, the readers are crying right now because of your normal attitude."

No I'm not. My eyes are dry. *Ding!*

"What are you talking about?" Izzy said in that same tone of voice. "There's nothing there but the ceilings, the walls, Owen and you."

Eeyup, she's normal alright. *Ding!*

"Owen, eating large quantities of food isn't normal. You'll eventually die at a young age due to diabetes." Izzy sighed.

Izzy suddenly became Double D. *Ding!*

Inside sleeping was a small baby phoenix with brown skin as it woke up and looked Cody straight in the eye. Cody yelped as he ducked down.

The baby phoenix blinked as he said, in a babish voice, "You know, I tawt I taw a fwing horse!"

Noah peeked over the nest as the baby phoenix looked over to Noah before ducking down. The baby phoenix blinked. "Hey! I tawt I taw ANOTHER fwing horse!"

Noah and Cody looked over at the nest as the baby phoenix smiled. "I did, I did! I taw TWO fwing horses!"

The baby phoenix then turned to Noah and Cody as he asked, "Have you two fwing horses met?"

We interrupt Total Drama Equestria to bring you Looney Tunes. *Ding!*

"What's with all the yelling?" Lindsay called from outside.

"Crowd outside. Apparently, it looks like Heather is going to blow up a stuffed animal in front of every pony." Bridgette explained.

"Oh, I see." Lindsay's voice was heard...

From outside, her eyes widened as she yelled, "HEATHER'S GOING TO BLOW UP A STUFFED ANIMAL??"

"Double take" cliché. *Ding!*

Lindsay: (searches through her bag as she pulled out some random stuffed animals) Okay, Amelia, Egbert, Shari, Biskit, Pietro, Kid Cat, Rocco, Pango, Croque, Stinky, Chester... wait, where's Molly? (Sighs in relief as she pulls out a duck doll) Oh, thank goodness! I thought I lost one!

Looks like Lindsay collects Animal Crossing amiibo. Don't forget the e-reader cards! *Ding!* Also, I'd stay away from Shari if I were you, she'll murder you in your sleep. *Ding!*

Brick: I can't do this dare now! Who knew that Twilight is Crazy Prepared for everything?

(Pinkie comes in)

Pinkie: Hey, everyone! Put that on the TVTropes page of this story! Come on, it's been up for like, two months! Please? (Gives sad soulful eyes) Pretty please; We need more editors for this story's TVTropes page!

F*ck you, Pinkie, you can't tell me what to do! Although I am gonna plaster this story all over the other tropes and there's nothing you can do about it! *Ding!* Also, here you go. See you in six hours. *Ding!*

"At first, I thought, "Okay, so she's just sleeping at the vet's, we'll come back tomorrow and pick her up...' but no, Mom told me that pets that are put to sleep NEVER wake up... from death." Heather sighed. "I'm sorry; I just try so hard NOT to relive that story. I was attached to Reyla since I was seven. I was ten when Reyla was put to sleep..."

You know, that must have scarred Heather so much to find out her cat was dead, to the point where she carries a stuffed cat everywhere. Y'know what, sin deduction for her, because I'm so nice. *!gniD*

"Oh, hang on!" Twilight said as she used her magic to pull down a stuffed bee doll. "Here we go; Mrs. Buzzy. I got her as a young filly from my parents."

What happened to Smarty Pants? Oh wait, Big Mac has it. *Ding!*

"Did you say WHAT type of stuffed animal you're going to be blowing up and WHOSE stuffed animal you're going to blow up?" Twilight asked.

"Well, no, but..." Heather paused... before her eyes twinkled. "Excuse me a second..."

That's what I was saying all along! *Ding!*

Brick trots up the stairs...but he fails to see a nail on one of the steps...that is until the TD character steps on it...and screams in pain.

"AAAAAARGH," Brick screams as he fell down the stairs, crashing into some stuff.

Well, it least it wasn't a Lego. *Ding!*

As Cody kept bouncing up and down, missing the bird, the target rush over to a glassed case called 'In Case Of Flying Horse, Break Glass'.

Please excuse me... I have to... uh... do something... *Ding!*

"Look, pitties!" The phoenix bird smiled as he lifted one finger.

Again, do these ponies become anthro for the sake of a parody? *Ding!*

Cody screamed as he frantically fell. "NOAH! NOAH!"

You can fly, dumbass! *Ding!*

"Come on, Noah, come on; get the bird." Cody snaps as Noah reach the nest. He remarks, "All right, now come on, give me the bird! Give me the bird!"

He would, but the censors won't allow it. Especially Hasbro's. *Ding!*

"Hey, I survived two hours, didn't I?" Izzy laughed.

Barely... not. *Ding!*

Leshawna's eyes bug out as she saw what ELSE was in Heather's bag. "Oh you have got to be KIDDING ME!"

Invincibility-Statue-Ex-Machina. *Ding!*

Leshawna sighed. "The Dev Team thinks of EVERYTHING, don't they?"

"You have no idea." Gwen sighed.

He's just trying to get in as many tropes as possible. It's not working. This is more of an Ass Pull than anything. *Ding!*

Izzy: (laughs) THAT IS SO AWESOME! TVTropes page, you have GOT to add that in!

Hold that thought, Izzy. What trope was this again? *Ding!*

"Hey, look! Some pony's lying on the ground!" Cody said, pointing to what seemed to be a body. The two then went towards it as Cody looked closer. "Doesn't that look like that Lyra girl?"

Remember when Lyra got killed earlier? Yeah, I knew you didn't. *Ding!*

"She isn't dead." Celestia sighed as she attempted to explain. "Don't worry, nothing happened. She just got... parafried, that's all."

"She's not actually dead" cliché. *Ding!*

"Well... you only turned back to crazy at one hour, fifty-nine minutes... and FIFTY-NINE seconds!" Chris said.

Sheesh, and I thought I was strict with time. *Ding!*

"Yeah; Sure, you were a creep ever since we know you...but...underneath that tough girl skin is a heart of gold." Gwen remarks with a smile. "Besides, Sunset Shimmer was probably like you before Twilight reformed her."

How do you know about Sunset? *Ding!*

"But..." Duncan begins to say as Celestia uses her magic to toss the cupcake to him.

"Please: this is your second chance. Do not waste it."

You're lucky Owen contributes nothing to the plot. *Ding!*

"Same deal, same Chris channel. An Alicorn who doesn't get a cupcake, leaves the game. Don't pass go, don't get a cupcake, do not collect a billion dollars."

Suddenly Monopoly. Which is also a Hasbro property, mind you. *Ding!*

"Brady, Cody. It comes down to you two." Chris said seriously to the last two members of the Immortal Alicorns. "Both of you blew your dares with hilarious results. The question remains: which one fails his dare first?"

One of the two contributes nothing to the plot, so that's easy. *Ding!*

"Speaking of love, only 32 freaks left. Why was Sierra really saved? Could it involve something I got planned next? And will Duncan ever bounce back to his bad boy ways?" Chris ask the camera with a smirk.

Wait, isn't this from season 2? Heck, I'm starting to give up making sense of these titles. *Ding!*